stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- vent at some point I seem to have lost something of my ability to pray and wait ... perhaps because praying less in a relational way, more just in a constant throwing up of requests I'm also finding myself so emotional over things like sporting teams I follow ... I don't know, perhaps it's not strange that I feel that way, I think I've always rode the wins and losses a bit emotionally but that somehow it seems most everything else is a ... an emotional wasteland ... just nothing very few things I am affected by but those things just are too much to handle, I try to handle it and honestly in some things its fine, its worth it! some thing are worth the emotional struggle ... but sport? just no, not right now ... nothing I can do to affect it, I can only get upset or high over it with no connection to myself as a person other than that I love the team wonder what else I'm doing right now like that ... work related stuff I can't handle the media right now, or ads ... I guess journalism ("journalism" to my mind but I'm sensitive to it right now) ... also politics ... :'-( there is no place for reasonable discussion in politics right now, probably ever, and some of this stuff is really important but if there is anything that puts me right offside with a group of people its overly aggressive and definitive opinions on issues ... perhaps I have my own so I try to endure them but in the end I just lose it and can hardly say anything nice about a politician ... last time I did say that I kinda liked one, something about them I liked, and it being used as though it somehow proved ... I don't know what! but somehow my opinion was discredited ... I can still remember the conversation and it still pisses me off, just want to go back and just look at them and ask what exactly they think they just proved! anything relating to work simultaneously is completely unimportant and also very important in an agitating kinda way, maybe its because it is unimportant to me I feel worried I'm missing something and/or just feeling guilty because I don't care when I should ... I should want to learn and get better and help better ... something about it all that just says no to me ... got to get past that, I'm just making it all horrible here otherwise except when I'm busy and running about, then I stop thinking, keep doing and am ok ... maybe not efficient but I'm beyond measuring that right now or caring about that (which is good) also I write more here as though being busy makes me want to make myself even busier I'm sick and its cold but I still want to go for a swim in my cold pool, which would be a terrible idea maybe this is all just me missing my friend, hoping she is ok, praying to God direct rather than effectively telling her as I pray it by saying that is what I am doing, just expelling a lot of thoughts in my mind that are accumulating ... also work just getting me into that mode of expressing things in words ... and just me taking stock ... a lot has been happening in life over the last couple years, so far this year need to figure out why I do anything at this point ... in a good way I hope, find things that matter to me, that I want to do/achieve - very few things I want I think, but maybe I should actually stop and see how many rather than just assuming they are few and letting them sit for the most part, maybe some are real things I can search for and try to do so not me to be setting goal and crap but feels I need to to some degree ... see how that goes 3:48 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 20, 2014 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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