stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pear shaped Verily it hath turned pear shaped. And as I stated it does not change the goodness. As I opened this window I was feeling uplifted by the thought that love of a friend is a good thing - a wonderful thing even and that I'd be fucked if I was going to let myself stuff up this opportunity of friendship. Happy and with purpose dammit!!! As I typed that I felt like shit. I felt sick and useless. I feel ok now. I think this is how my life will be for a while, maybe a day maybe for dare I say it? a year, which may seem ridiculous but I would deem it possible. Wild swings within seconds of each other could be my lot for a time. But yet life is good. Love is good. I do genuinely believe that the love of a friend is a wonderful thing and that it is possible for us. A shadow of the thought that perhaps it will one day blossom to more crossed my heart but at this point I believe I will have to put it aside and live as though it will never be. Accept and embrace friendship as the choice fruit that it is :) Hehe I wax wordy in my wildly emotional state. I never understood our relationship from the word go. It all seemed impossible on so many levels. But it happened. I still don't understand it. The incomprehensible nature of it was apparent to us both and spoken of. I smile to think of the honesty of it, of the memory of the words spoken. The memories give a positive air to the possibility of friendship. A glow as of a view across a green field filled with life that I, or rather we, have not explored. Filled with promise and possibilities. And love. What of love? Do we no longer speak of love? I have another friend who was (and I guess still is) possibly more than a friend and I end emails to her with love. I guess it is one day at a time and see where things go hoping and dreaming for the best but willing to accept the worst, the pain associated and move on as I can. A lot like most of my life at this point. Everything seems to be up in the air, incomprehensible. This has been very up beat but tears and confusion and fears and feeling sick are but a millisecond away at any given point, sometimes close enough to taste other times fading into the warm mist of happiness almost as if they weren't there. Yet the happiness is there, have I lost my mind? What happened cut me deeply enough for me to close and lock my door at work so I could do whatever, cry, lie on the floor to pray and calm myself. And through our conversation and the time I spent working it through in my mind after was peppered with a series of telephone calls from a couple of guys about piddling little bits of work crap that were only really notable for their poor timing yet the thought of them now makes me laugh out loud. The contrast between the world of emotions and myself and that of the working world plodding on. Yet again have come here, talked for the mental equivalent of miles to look up (just like Lesley Neilsen in one of the Naked Gun movies) and have no idea where I am at then end. :) 4:14 p.m. - Tuesday, Sept. 14, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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