stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- after the f bomb So after yesterday I went home with a strange desire among other things to listen to the new Thirsty Merc album which I just bought on the weekend. Strange in that I don't really think it is in any form an ideal "I'm trying to become a friend where I once was more" album. I enjoyed listening though. I'm sure this album will grow on me just as the singles (EPs?) have done. As an example of how I am going I was actually quite happy at that point. I was "strong" I was a "good guy" I was "reasonable" and uplifted by this and other things in my life. Hurrah - friendship ahoy!!!! And woke to a churning stomach and red faced confusion. I didn't understand any more. I was in pain. Mind you first thing in the morning going to the gym does tend to feel rather like that normally, especially since this is only the 3rd day in a row and I'm just trying to get back into rhythm. But its more difficult to argue against my own heart and mind at such a time and even harder to just ignore it or at least I think so. Hmmm ignoring it may be the option to go for here - deal with it at a more reasonable hour. Ha! if it were that easy it probably wouldn't be a problem. Any one got anything I can break? Anything, beside cactii and glass and stuff like that. Eh, stuff it that will do nothing and I don't really want to be that person. Lots of other ideas for turning my brain off and losing myself in something fall under that category. Looks like I'll just have to work through it and fucking GROW or some shit like that. Who wants that? Who wants to be one of those pretentious bastards who talk about emotional growth and such things? Not me thats for fucking sure. I remember thinking not too long ago that pain isn't bad and that perhaps fighting it isn't helping. I swear it was so much more all encompassing and sensical and powerful even when I was thinking of it before but it eludes me now. Suffice it to say I think the focus on avioding failure, pain, and such things is foolish. They are a part of life and if you spend all your time trying to avoid them you won't grow up properly and you are fooling yourself if you think you won't fail or feel pain. DAMMIT I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON! GROWTH ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WHY CAN'T I STOP BEING REASONABLE AND UNDERSTANDING AND STUFF??? But at the same point whenever I feel like that I go - hmm we could be good friends that would be awesome :) or at least in regard to this situation. I get excited. A new friend. Like I am some fucking retard who never has any friends and never sees anyone. Ha! That actually describes me pretty well I think. But I don't think my sad lack of a wide range of peoples to be constantly doing stuff with makes me feel this way - I love people and her in particular. I just have to try to live in this new world of friendship and not try to co-exist in the dreamland were we are more. Re-focus, re-channel. Heh and every day restart and go through it again. Meh. Hehe I love the title I came up with :) umm f is for friends (we should just be friends) not FUCK. You rude bastards. Come on! I'm pouring my heart out here people, have a little respect. Hmm now I have to stop listening to the Merc and listen to "Friend is a Four Letter Word" by cake. Awesome baby ;) 2:39 p.m. - Wednesday, Sept. 15, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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