stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- caring How do you relate to people if you don't want to please them? it seems natural and good ... I daresay there are limits but still you want to start from a place where how you act affects other people is of some importance to you ... right? how do you get a meaningful interaction with someone if you don't care about how they are affected by how you act or even better who you are maybe you can get what you want from someone if you don't care about how you impact their lives but at best you only get what you want, like you only get the car washed or the washing put out or a lift somewhere there is so much more to people though and I guess I am willing to pay the price of hurting and being delerious with joy (both can be very disruptive emotional states) and all the emotional states between and either side of them ... the price of having an openness to people is the fact that they can come in and fuck things up, in the best way or the worst or even a bit of both at the same time ... a lot of both at the same time, or at least in short bursts of one way then the other so close together that they are all but simultaneous how do you close your door to one person but not others? Emotionally its not as simple as in the physical world where you can simply open and close whenever you want or even really know when it is open or closed ... sometimes its more like you don't have an open door really ... you have a security code on your door and when you let someone in far enough they get their own code and really you can't stop them getting inside your being ... which again is great but also terrible, perhaps terrible in the fullest or original sense ... it provokes terror, scares you shitless because you know that person can get in whenever they want and they really can, if they want or even accidentally, make your life heaven or hell I want that ... to have that openness where there are people who have their own entry codes and can just come in whenever, I don't even have to be there so to speak, they are just allowed in it means they can fuck me up but I want that trust in my life, to trust people in my life like that ... not everyone ... I don't even know I'd want that if I thought it was possible ... I don't want everyone in there whenever they want, but a select group that grows naturally over time even though they can fuck me up ... the idea is so potent and life giving to me ... and the idea that these people want in ... and then the reality of it is awesome too ... to know and be known ... thats why I think it is ok to care ... and if caring too much at times is the result ... even caring when you think why does it even matter? why do I care about this? its better to care too much and in weird ways than to shut it down too much I think that's assuming you even get to choose that! I guess I'm not task oriented too much ... because I don't know that how many tasks would be so important to me that the personal aspect... maybe one personal aspect might override other personal aspect, which might seem like I'm task focussed maybe that is true of a lot of situations where people appear to me to be task focussed? they are just prioritising personal aspects differently to me even when end up talking about different things to what I'm troubled about it seems that talking is enough ... for now at least :) 11:55 a.m. - Friday, Mar. 04, 2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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