stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- europe then who knows what 48 hours hopefully the plane will be in the air ... is that how it works? the stated time is when it takes off ... probably not really ... probably still settling into our seats, if we are lucky finding that we have a few free nearby for stretching out and relaxing ... not so much for me I don't think, as long as I have leg room I think I'll be fine with using a single seat and not laying across a few long flight though ... no idea how long this part is but lets say 11 or 12 hours ... then 2 hours in Dubai then a further 11 or so hope there is somewhere comfortable to stretch out at the airport in Dubai! feeling a little ... disconnected, there are a number of emotional things happening around that I've honestly been quite affected by in recent times but feel ... well maybe a peace ... been a while since I've said that ... maybe a while since I've felt it ... still a bit of a disconnect with God, too busy I think to find that peace or that mental space to ask and dream and feel and hear in the ways I want, the depths I want, just can't do it ... maybe regrets or sadnesses too realised I've not really been able to relax for the longest time ... maybe years ... definitely months ... its like I'm constantly on call for my wife ... not that she demands it ... or even really expects it or anything but it appears that is who I am ... I want to be there, I want to stand ready ... and because of it and because she is always around in person or in the sense that if she isn't here I probably should be just checking in in some fashion ... I'm always on ... I've no idea really how I got to that kind of mind set, I can't help but feel in fashion it is my next best thing, I can't/won't/whatever give my best to her for whatever reason ... me/her/conscious reasons/unconscious reasons .... so I do the next best which is not the same, is not as natural, and is not as healthy for me ... it doesn't have that smoothness and ease of something that is just a part of you anyway, I don't really get it yet but something in that ... *sigh* probably something I have to do ... for her but also for me so I can relax ... it sounds like such a nice thing really, being always on call in a relationship ... well the always available for someone thing ... sounds nice, but the on call description ... doesn't sound as nice at all and I think the reality is that it isn't nice, you aren't really supposed to relate like that ... doin something wrong in there ... but yeah, being on call would never seem particularly peaceful ... never know if you are free to do whatever or if you are going to be occupied ... never clear in mind to plan for your own stuff and I live in my mind a lot I think and I need to get closure or some things, I can hold on and hold off on a lot of stuff for a long time ... but some stuff needs to have a beginning and and end, even if only a beginning of a section of something which ends and then is replaced by the start of the next section ... but at least there is a closure there ... achievement this went a bit off track pretty quick! work is ok I feel I suck at it and am giving a very low % at it but still things are getting done enough for our purposes, I just know I can do so much better ... but why would I try to focus and work better if what is happening now is working? ... hard to be motivated to work harder just to create more space for extra work to be pushed in in one way or another ... difficult to be motivated overall really, and so tired still ... I think it is the lack or relaxation thing again ... how do I rest if I can't relax? how do I celebrate a job well done if I feel nothing ever finishes and I'm always on call ... so mentally fatigued and keep staying up latish and feeling terrible in the morning ... or trying to sleep and feeling terrible in the morning the puzzle is in my hands to some degree I'm sure ... too many things that are just in the "must do" and "must occur within a time frame" baskets ... like this trip we are having ...soon enough they will be over ... well kinda ... *sigh* I have a feeling that it is scary to imagine when there aren't so many must do things ... what will drive me then ... what will satisify ... alternatively what if it never really stops ... how long will I last :/ anyway ... leaving on a jet plane ... like the idea of seeing Baker Street in London! Wonder if we can make that happen ... 10:12 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 08, 2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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