stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- rarrrrr I DO have an entry now! *clears throat* my wife really really doesn't manage stress in a way that I feel is helpful or in fact in any way something I appreciate ... this is why I said fuck no to any kind of travel with her in a free roaming way ... the image of a fight in a car in a foreign land at dusk in the middle of no where isn't just a fear it seems like it would be a definite result ... and you know what I really don't need the negative reinforcement of that experience in my life trying to not be vindictive and simply not do the things I've gotten shit over is very hard ... very unhappy even thinking about doing them ... she turned me from someone who was waiting ... giving her space so she could relax and then wanting to help or rest as was best for her ... into someone who pretty much says ... fuck you ... will do what I should and try to help but fuck you for taking any semblance of joy in that away from me ... fuck you I want to help, I really do ... I enjoy it but it's just not how she works it seems ... she waits til I've apparently not done something long enough and then winds up doing stuff all over and just radiating irritation ... and now we've had words over it ... now she is calm? talking a little sweet? fuck that ... no apology, no discussion ... no nothing I don't know how it works in this time frame to do any of that but still ... fucked if I want to act in any way that reinforces that it ok for her act that way ... to make it seem ok to her grr *cleanse* ... and try to be ... reasonable? caring? loving? forgiving? ... helpful? ... proactive ... *sigh* vent vent vent UPDATE! ok so she has said sorry ... still a bit sucky but more ... why is are things like this and what is going to have to happen to make us connect better ... TIME and CONVERSATION I think ... but heh, that's probably just how I like to do things really ... she probably prefers proactive stuff on my part and ... something or other ... I don't know ...eh... going to Europe ... at least I'm not going to be all bitter and shitty on the plane ...about this at least :/ ... God help us! 12:10 a.m. - Thursday, Mar. 10, 2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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