stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- learned from travel what I got from my holiday: I think a greater ability to just do things ... not "just go on holiday and live my life!!!" kind of things, more just "work out what you need to do to avoid having a fight every single morning as you try to pack to make the tour bus on time and have breakfast... all with minimal feeling like you want to be sick due to negative interactions at the start of the day" which is probably obscure, and to be honest I think I always had that aspect to my being, just never more had I needed to use it than in marriage and never less had I needed to use it than during the previous 4 years or so when I was living alone ... also likely to change how I am at work, possibly at least ... extra possibly with changes to work potentially happening over the next few months ... maybe even a step toward further progress in compromise in marriage ... compromise still seems such a dirty word in some ways, like giving up on something you think is true ... or giving up on ever being understood in what you are saying/thinking/feeling ... since if they only understood they would ... agree? maybe/maybe not ... but acknowledge maybe and not look/talk at you like you were crazy yeah something something, I dunno edit: and always with the post writing series of emotions, nice to speak it out but guity feeling for ever speaking it out when surely ideally you should be speaking it out to someone in particular ... but then would that work? does it matter if it would work or not? and just sadness ... either for doing things wrong/sub optimally or simply from ground in frustration turning into depression and giving up ... to some degree at least. It's not all bad really right now but still I don't need this negative flow of emotions ... desperate for some affirmation or something to turn that around, but don't know how to get that ... except in ways that I would likely feel I really shouldn't find comfort in ... sigh, deep breath ... and fuck work ... no I mean DO work ... fucking DO IT ... here's hoping that for once I don't get lost in nit picking and giving up on a thing for now until a minor point is reassessed and go on to the next thing that I will find a minor point to later reassess ... just creates a feeling of frustration and lack of progress, which fits in far too well really :-/ ... well keep on travelling buddy! 9:57 a.m. - Monday, Jun. 06, 2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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