stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- edge of what just on the edge it seems ... of what I don't know ... plenty going on around me, health issues, medical issues, work issues plenty going on in me, work been super tiring, new things, old things but a lot of them, just not caring about most anything so I was thinking just now (before I got to work and had an emotional response to a client email thanking me for my helpful responses) about what I wanted in a house ... I think it was initially something more than that but I'll go with house initially - want it far away from others, but decided that honestly peace comes from within (within myself and also within closed doors if required - I don't have kids!) so instead want it somewhere I can be close to shops, transport to work, church, transport to friends (if I could be bothered ... I do like friends and they are pretty core to me but ... right now with only maybe two or three exceptions I would need to forget them all in planning this place just for me) ... I want to be able to primarily stay at home, walk or jump on public transport and walk ... I'm pretty easy going and don't honestly feel the need to be in a lot of different places and I miss walking ... I can't get myself to do it just for the sake of walking but I enjoyed when it was just part of my day to day practical things ... I guess ideally I'd like to be 5-10 minute walk from shops, 5 from train for work and other, but by a green space ... kinda like when I first started here ... and thus I design my house by completely ignoring the design of my house ... location, location, location sick of having an upset stomach which I could truly deeply care about what I am doing on a minute to minute basis always feel like I'm trying to catch up to where I think I should be ... but don't really know if I should be or if I care ... just "should be" for the sake of clients? boss? fuck knows I should want something ... and I do but not many things and I don't know any of the things are jobs and I just struggle to care I was thinking the other day how money, a lot of money, wouldn't really solve any of this ... I'd likely keep coming to work out of a sense of obligation to my boss, I don't know it would affect my performance because I don't work harder for more money, just out of sense of it being what I should be doing ... so it's not like it would reduce my "passion" for my work ... I'd feel bad to leave him without what I provide ... also what would I do with all that time? probably just go mad thinking all day long ... what would I do if I was able to retire and do anything I want? Sleep ... aside from giving everyone I know and love a house, holiday, financial independence ... I don't know ... I just like talking to people, helping people with little things, listening and hopefully making things beter in little ways ... you know, like helping people make little adjustments that allow them to still be themselves but get better results ... just some peace to decide without the noise of their own fears is that a job? maybe ... I don't want it to be a job, I don't want my gentle simple desire to be a job ... would change it ... so here I am, financially pretty blessed given I feel I'm not giving my whole being to this job but hopefully able to be someone who helps and loves and blesses ... why does it feel I have less and less time to do that, to be that? maybe this is just how it is ...honestly its not like I've even dozens of people looking for me to be play that part in their lives and yet I only do for a few ... maybe those are just the right ones ... how can you expect such a thing as I want to be and give to exand past what breaks it? its a thing limited in scope in numbers but unlimited in depth ... or something have to get ready for a coffee thing ... just under an hour, time to organize other things and maybe get something done going back to the start ... edge of what ... edge of weirdness just about to fall off but likely never will ... hopefully get back more into the ... centre of weirdness? that doesn't sound great ... I dunno, just seems like not feeling on the edge about to fall but not ever falling is a bad place to be, a place to get away from ... but as with all trips, the where to is just as important as the where from ... otherwise frying pan/fire situation potentially ... or, you know, not ... I'm tired, don't care, feel dumb and will try to get working but without a pressing need it is hard and with a pressing need it is exhausting ... would really help if I cared oh well 8:45 a.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 08, 2014 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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