stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drove for real Drove for real ... Went pretty well, first time only half hour but only about three times where I felt I was not quite where I should be, right hand was sore after so I guess holding tightest that hand? Only ... No wait wasn't only highway driving went through a little town or two, but still nothing fancy, no super dumb moments of mine or other drivers. Second time 45 minutes and I think windier felt like a lot of jerky little movements to stay where I wanted whereas previous time was much smoother, otherwise similar enough, tried to get myself back under Learner speed limit actively rather than just letting it slowly make its way back to correct speed so a lot more looking at speedometer checking it which may also have been part of finding myself making jerky movement back to where I wanted to be rather than smoother adjustments... Nothing too bad, only one time felt I'd gone a little across middle line with traffic coming, might only have been closer to line than used to, and once merged into a lane accidentally while ... I don't know? Looking at indicator switch thing? Why would I even do that? I mean flick down to indicate right, up for left? Looking down a moment at something and looked up and merged into the lane already, it was related to whatever I looked down for, I was about to merge anyways, just scary to have it happen accidentally in a moment as I looked away, looking away when checking blind spot to overtake is scary in my mind still, but less so now I have a sense that I can control a car ... even described it as boring which it was in a way, car is very smooth and it feels like nothing to hit 80kph, like not even moving ... Anyway second time was ok too just felt less smooth. Right shoulder a bit sore, think it's used to a mouse and keyboard only It's funny it makes me feel different, driving, like taking control ... Not so much of a car but of ... Life? Overdramatic sounding but it feels different, more aggressive somehow less concerned of others and just doing things which isn't something I've actively sought, always concerned about others so I'm a bit unsure about the feeling but I need to take some control... Changes me some, I don't know, it's under two hours of driving and I'm talking like this, just aware of myself I guess, heh, certainly now I think about it also had a lot of throwing my hands up in the air times in my head this weekend as well *shrug* just who I am right now, work a lot like that, me a lot like that. Just a lot of stuff I'm trying to do in myself right now, not sure if doing well or right or any effect at all but trying ... One good thing about driving is the sense of learning something real, like, how a physical object (a car) acts in its environment (the road) when I do this, or that ... The sense of being in the passenger seat thinking that I could be driving and learning more was great to feel and it's a real skill, it's not something that is subject to much change over time and helps others ... Can engage mind and body and just figure something out, fun to feel it move too sometimes, never felt much from say the rush of speed as a plane takes off, but to be making something accelerate is something different ... Dangerous with my skill level and also the smoothness and power of the car, but still cool and again something new ... Actually encouraged someone else who thought learning was scary, could be wrong but felt like maybe that was why her Mum gave me a big hug when we left, could be UTTERLY wrong though, just something that it felt like ... Hope it was encouraging, I'm sure she can totally do it and I hope that came through ... Back to work tomorrow, back to testing my self discipline and focus, feel like too much of my life is about self discipline, not sure quite what I'd have done differently in my life if could go back, but who knows who or where I'd be if I'd gone a different path, self discipline struggle is just part of me and who I choose to be/who I am ... Even if I could go back, some things in my life I couldn't face potentially losing by going back... So no thanks Thought back to my first girlfriend this week for some reason, can think of one possible reason but might be coincidence, although I did end up thinking about love, Love, no not God, but being In Love with someone, someone you'd say you love, or more specifically that I would say I Love and she was the only other one that FELT like I couldn't discard from my list ... But of a slap in the face to some others if they knew, but only two could I not exclude from the list... Actually a smile flicked across my face at our first kisses.. One, Two, Three and she ran off the train at her stop ... never fully had sex, but plenty of orgasmic experiences, out of respect to me trying not to have sex ... Sometimes she was better at drawing the line than me and that was just for me, laughing for joy first time I came with her ... All over her body, waist to chest, didn't like it much and I couldn't stop laughing even while helping clean up... Choking on her juices one time going down on her, and just like I don't know latching on to something or other down there as I tried to, I dunno, stop choking without her knowing only to be told that whatever I was trying to do wasn't working, hilarious in its own right honestly! But was it just because she was the first that she gets categorized as Love? Certainly passionate, almost died the day she told me she'd slept with someone, we weren't really going out any more so nothing I had any say in but just felt the blood empty from my face, sick to my stomach... Wonder what I said for the rest of that conversation ... I don't know, can't think what I'd say ... Guess I loved her and wanted her happy, even without me, but I don't miss her, I don't daydream or dream about her or even think about her often, but still Love ... Others I think of much more often that I neger went out with, missed chances perhaps and what could have beens... It was never going to work with her but still, Love ... I think I might have seen someone that reminded me of her somehow. Maybe just red hair, wonder if I liked red hair before her or if she led the way ... Made it a thing at least, even if I do recall a redhead called Suzanne from primary school in a memory that was connected somehow to peanut butter, maybe she had a sandwich, don't think she was allergic. Anyway, sex ... Wait, no that wasn't the topic even though I totally made her cum on the train many times ... Completely irrelevant to anything though ... I'm happy and proud I could make her cum so much, maybe she is also part of why mutual pleasure is so key to me and why making someone cum is a pleasure in and of itself to me and can be quite separate from me cumming... I'm glad I could and it makes me happy, to give such pleasure is wonderful and just plain fun! :-) Now that I've talked my tongue skills up and randomly gone on I'll leave, I hope I've left you satisfied ;-P 9:14 p.m. - Monday, Oct. 06, 2014 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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