stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- drive, the emotional type this time ache, trying to take every moment to pray if I can, hopefully make something positive of the feeling wish I were driving rather that at work, at least then I just have to focus and do something even if it is just a game of stay between the lines and try not to speed too often, here I don't hardly give a fuck ... no boss, only self control and I'm going wild like I don't know if I can tamp it down ... like it would take all my being to do that, and then I have to think of how I will work today and how I will arrange work for others and make all these vague huge ideas into little pieces that are meaningful and progress things enough that I feel progress and there fucking is actual progress and maybe one day I'll give a fuck about any of it, at this point its more like one day I'll be like "I'm so glad I did all that stuff I still feel is empty and meaningless because now I can do something I want to do now" whatever that is ... spending my life trying to be ready just in case, at least that ready guy is probably nicer to be around in a practical way, just don't know how much me, the me I've thought I am, would be part of that ... maybe its still me, just not a lazy selfish ass ... why is so hard to care about what people want sometimes ... I lose track of if I'm nice or not, sometimes seems I am, other times that all my niceness is just me doing what I want at a time where it seems to be about others, or at least just something easy for me to do as a person, not hard ... driving seems to have been hard for me to do for others ... used to be that it felt like I was being taken advantage of, that it was just something people wanted so I could do more for them, that I could be less inconvenient ... I did and do try to not put people out because of it but no question that people have to do some more for me at times because of my lack of skills, ... also thought/felt like I was more likely to have sex if I had a car, in a bad way since I was trying not to, now it would be bad for other reasons, right now I can't I just feel like I've nothing to give anyone, my heart is taken and my word has been given, two different reasons that vary in impact different times, but mostly I just know I've nothing to give anyone, if I could just fuck and not care ... and not want more, maybe I could, maybe after all this is sorted in my heart and being I'll be like, fuck yeah I'll have sex, fuck everything and everyone else ... feels so far away right now, but probably isn't, what is the point without love though, I guess the thrill, the desire, the being wanted ... oh yeah, I guess the pleasure of sex? ... shows where I am to some degree, wasn't even on my list of benefits ... I'm just reaching out to feel contact, feeling like I have nothing to give (which makes it unacceptable to me, to contact but feel I can't give anything) and hating I just need to reach out with empty hands like that ... should be better than that ... reaching out to people who can't give me what I need and I can't give what they need, or even those who would (maybe just could, but that is enough) be damaged by me ... its sad, and that last is just plain bad ... I wish I worked alone and could stay long as I wanted to ... would write out my heart, or whatever this rubbish is, and then when done I'd feel done and ok and then ok to move on to work and then make up for time wasted, no, used at work for personal reasons ... but I can't really do it ... so I feel like I need to hush, for so many reasons but I can't ... I hope this is worthwhile to read ... I hope this isn't just vile to read ... don't want to speak if it poisons ... but need to as well ... feel so wrong to be selfish ... you'd think I'd be more accustomed, plenty of selfishness looking back ... house still not completely tidied, I'm horribly unfit and fuck knows what my diet is in the end, I'm trying to use actions to make up for lack of emotional drive at home, I want to run away, or I would want to but I don't do that ... rather be rotting in place than run I think, don't want to desert anyone or anything ... miss doing things due to passionate desire, now at best habit that tells me I want something ... that is passionate desire now, I know that I have wanted this so I want this ... well that's completely true, I still have passion, this all isn't the writing of a passionless being, just not in what I am doing I am who I am, you know me ... 9:13 a.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 07, 2014 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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