stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- work I think my biggest problem with job is that 90% plus of the time I don't want to be here long term and I have nothing I want to do other than get rid of debt and be left alone pretty much, just help out with little things here and there for people and be left alone, I have no heart to really get into my job because I don't want it but there is no other job I want or have a heart for I was briefly interested in my job the other day when talking about potential substantial changes at work in the short term and in three years ... but then I looked at pictures of these people who are successful in my general industry and I don't want to be any of these people ... I know next to nothing about them, nothing bad or anything like that, I just don't want to be whatever it is I saw there ... and I don't want to be successful, I just don't want to have to deal with that extra load... I don't care enough about it to feel like I would give enough of myself to it to make it good enough, what people deserve ... same goes for what I'm doing now, I don't have the heart to give it everything and I feel bad for that but I don't have it in my heart to give ... I don't know if I have it in my heart for any job, maybe for people but that is love not job, monetising love, or job for that matter makes me feel unhappy and uncomfortable ... pity I'm in a small business so its something I have to look at pretty bluntly maybe it just stretching me, for what I don't know and I don't know if I care unless it means I get to a place where I don't have to be stretched any more I really was kinda engaged with the though of my work and future changes ... until those pics and just more everyday reminders of what I do surely everybody doesn't feel like this, mostly people don't think like it I guess ... what is the point, I don't feel like I do that much but it can make a difference and I'm shocked by the level of need around, but being in business and living in this city is just crazy expensive and the money that comes through is really beyond me ... maybe I need to work, otherwise I might just life down, curl into a ball and never wake up just have to keep trying to make work worthwhile, while also doing it and only having care for my work, not wanting to be in trouble, and general respect for the people that rely on us to keep me going ... why does that barely seem enough most days? 3:00 p.m. - Friday, May. 22, 2015 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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