stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do I feel bad Why can saying no to someone over something really desperately unrealistic and really quite risky feel so bad? Feel like closing myself off to helping people would be a solution, just one I hate and think probably is very "baby out with the bath water" but I don't like feeling like this, I don't like realizing that person can make me feel like this ... I have a bit of a blind spot for people who want something but really don't seem to grasp why I don't think it makes any sense. Hate when people don't understand, hate me because I say no if you want, I don't think I care ... but if you don't seem to understand my position and hate me? That really bugs me! Probably not hate, but I'm standing (again) against them doing something to "redeem them from failure that wasn't their fault but cost the everything" ... like, not to be harsh but it WAS your fault, you exposed yourself to the risk blindly assuming everything awesome (history repeating now, again) when honestly if a relatively minor setback could make everything fall apart, well ... who is responsible for that? Yes, something outside your control triggered it going bad, but you set up the situation and now you are blindly assuming the best (with literally NO ability to be flexible if things go wrong, even worse than the first time) and you want my ass on the line too? You.just.don't.get.it. You're swinging for the fences because you feel you have to catch up and you need it so bad it can't possibly fail. But, it doesn't work that way, things don't succeed based on how much you want it and your acting this way has already caused damage to you, to others and now you want to risk more damage? Just for your ego. That's.it. There is no need to take the risk. We will get where we need to be over time, but you can't wait, you have to be the one who made everything good, and you know what it MIGHT work! But if it doesn't, and I think there is a decent chance of that, you'll have fucked everyone else up too ... Why???? You have worth, you have security, you have love, but you have to capture your white whale ... But you don't have a boat sweetheart, and you really shouldn't ask to borrow others just because you are so blindly sure ... Is this love? This blindness to any possibility of failure? So overwhelmed by love and the thought that the need is pure, unselfish and Obviously, Objectively can't fail ... Or is it simply a crushed self image trying anything to get back to where it thought it was, where it thinks by right it should be. I think self image, and I want to help ... it hurts not to, but it's Not a guaranteed win, it Does have risks ... Just you can't truly see them, you believe your limited means stretched to the limits will be enough, but the lightest bump and you've nothing to fall back on, except me ... And I don't want it, don't believe in it, don't think it will work, don't think I need it and believe it could cause me a lot of damage. Worst of all, you can't see any of that at all, so how can I trust your judgement? On the other hand, it's nice to play with my son and tonight that's almost made me forget all about this ... I wish I could help, maybe one day I could but not today and not this plan ... 10:13 p.m. - Saturday, May. 23, 2015 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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