stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fear and family death is all around no malice, or active choice in much you do not absorb ... where do you place the information of a child that died for want of medical care, or a multi-millionaire that took their own life? Nowhere I suspect, until you know a child that could die without medical care or an adult who could take their own life despite by many standards being able to do whatever they wanted in life Being needed, not wanted but needed provides a reason to live ... or at least to my mind, to how I have perceived change in myself with a child that MAY need me to be there for the rest of his life, to deal with the parts of the world he can't perceive or that can harm him ... for him I could never imagine taking my own life, I could provide him money and I'm sure he would miss me if I was gone, but missing me and not needing money to live well enough are not reasons enough I can imagine that both Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington simply found that the security of success doesn't provide satisfaction and that they could no longer find it in the to try and find that satisfaction, in whatever form that took for them I think of my son with the Audioslave song The Highway sung by Chris I am not your rolling wheels I am not your blowing wind The son itself is about getting away from someone, some place, but to my heart for my son the words are those of a Father, not living their child's life but providing a place for them to live ... I am not what is driving you forward, but I am a path you can travel on ... I am not your dreams, but I am place they can fly ... I am not only a soothing presence in your life, I am an explosion, an expression of might and power ... I am not just the cool calm nights of Autumn, I am the depths of the cold night, the coldness of reality, fate, gravity to keep you here in the life we live and your feet on the ground while you fly ... how I hope you fly my son to my daughter as well, but the difference is of one of buying a walking frame to give help in learning to walk and holding a hand to make sure she doesn't run before she can stand ... may I learn the balance ... may I learn how to not approach them differently and unknowingly push her too hard and hold his hand too much a lot of this is because of Charlie Gard not getting the chance to try additional treatment in the US to see if his life could be extended ... well, it was all already there, his story brought it to the front ... his situation is and the politicisation of it (using it to say this is what happens in government health care, as though he would have survived this long without such care) and the more genuine questions (how does a government get to deny the option when the parents are paying themselves? and is it ok to keep trying to extend his life if the chances of positive change are slim? how slim must they be before a government should be involved?) talking it through like that helps ease the heart, my heart at least, and I feel generally ok to know there is a limit to attempts to extend life ... although, the thought of loss isn't something I have to search far to find the echo of ... not that it is just about me, it is an empathy that makes the hurt wash over me ... the fear or imagination of my own loss is more of a freezing in time, the blood leaving my face feeling except more like the time leaving my body as though it runs away to allow me to deal with the grief ... a settling of jaw and dealing with what is ... Thud! by Terry Pratchett (may he have found his way) speaks very strongly the anger side of a child/family in danger. Admittedly that is the story of the leader of the Watch and his son and wife were actually endangered, but in the thought of such dangers ... I can easily comprehend the responses shown, fire and ice I guess, burning fire at fear, icy cold at consequences anyway, now I have to go and try and talk to a client about going into rehabilitation for addiction as part of his meeting his obligations for his ongoing insurance claim 2:10 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 25, 2017 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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