stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- saturday of long weekend ok so had an interesting long weekend ... full of diary stuffing goodness, cleaning, rain, shouting, me doing good, me doing bad, Bowral, movies that I dont want to watch, people being sad ... people being happy? maybe. spent saturday morning tidying my place and just being around being ready for the open house thing in the afternoon for the sale of the place I am currently renting no one came not even the real estate dude maybe it was because of the rain, maybe because when he called up I apologised for not being around the last few times and I think half said I look forward to seeing him before realising ... hey this is just some dude I've only spoken to maybe twice in my life and we are not talking two life changing conversations or anything just chatted while standing around ... so yeah the conversation ended up ending weird round about there, probably left the guy feeling unsure as to why I would actually care about seeing him while at the same time wondering if I did care ... possibly also wondering why I bothered to say sorry if I didnt care and why any of this is even happening so yeah more than enough to make things awkward! or is that just me who thinks enough for that kind of awkwardness? but anyway enough of my mildly amused at self paranoia after no one turned up I went down to my parents place and swiftly shook things up down there by having an arguement with my sister nice and loud with swears with some things that were perhaps warranted and many that need not have been said I did not really cover myself with glory nor did she really in my opinion not sure why but I feel slightly at a disadvantage thinking of it now, like as she said it was not my place to say anything as I did not live there any more but on the other hand - fuck off and dont be an idiot I'd like to think I can have an opinion even when I dont live in the house some things she was right, I didnt know what was going on ... but at the same time nothing has happened since that has changed my opinion on her behaviour, just like it has not changed for years so yeah, I said things I should not have said but in a way it meant that I could apologise for those this I felt I was wrong in, including just plain rudeness and show just as much fervor to make things right as far as I could and not just say whatever and walk away as I had with describing her fate one day when she finds out she is on the other end of all this crap ... so although I do not like raised voices and loud arguements in the end it was good also, as I think is generally the case, the problem was not the problem, she had broken up with her boyfriend again in seemingly a permanent way, which was another way how I acted was good because I fucked up but did not stop showing I cared and that it mattered how things were between us and that I would not just stop and turn away and would not just change my mind from moment to moment, I didnt say my opinion had changed for how she acted but, I think anyway, I showed that I did care and would do all I could to make things right except say anything I did not believe to be true its mostly her bad relationship with my mum stuff that is the lightning rod for general angst and is also a favourite angst and is treated like a little king and petted and reassured that Mum will always suck and that everything is truely her fault and she owes her nothing so it is right to do as she does she didnt actually say those things but I think they are true, certainly a lot of evidence that they are the case, but just to be fair to her and not make her look bad some of the things I said were that I could not wait til she had kids ... meaning that she would see how much it sucked to receive this crap although she seemed to take it as meaning she would be a terrible mother ... and various other things ... I dunno they seem like smallish things like I need to have said things like how I hoped she would get a horrible disease or something ... I did say she was horrible or terrible or something honestly I am so weird I actually feel like this is some little kids arguement rather than an adult one ... like I should know how to be REALLY horrible by now and really get in and tear people apart, but it matters to me what I said even if I am embarrassed by the seeming smallness of what I said given the amount of effort I put into trying to make things right what can I say I hate the way she constantly give shit to my Mum, dont suppose my opinion on that one is likely to change, but then nor is her opinion of me giving that opinion, nor her opinion of Mum, although I would hope that will change at some point or maybe it is just a lot of hot air? that would be a LOT of hot air though so then people at opposite ends of the house watching dvds time after the evening meal which was in the middle of it all, much like I found out that she broke up with her boyfriend in the middle of it all too .. it was a go away then come back type of arguement so I found out when I was talking to other people between bouts so to speak dont know what that information changed, maybe gave me a little more patience with it all or desire to make something right ... but I generally am pretty good at making sure I go back if I think I have done something wrong or if I get the feeling that that is the opinion of the other person the trick now is to try and embrace that more than just do it because it is something that needs to be done difference between law and love I guess, which is kinda like what the Introduction to the Old Testament thing I went to had in it or at least what I got out of it in some way I am very tangental in what I get out of stuff like that, very random it often appears but anyway that was only part of my weekend only Saturday! Sunday was nicer so was Monday hope to flesh that out a little more but until then use your imaginations :P and then yesterday I went to Intro to the Old Testament on a random email I got basically as a result of the email prayer requests I sent out and I also got invited to Spotlight on Thursday so habadashery man that is kinda like the word banana ... when do you stop well kinda but yeah so see if habadashery can be as much fun as crockery even saying it makes me worry a little for any number of reasons as much fun as crockery? have to run to work ... after tying my laces! 7:35 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 13, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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