stuberosum's Diaryland Diary

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howllllll

man, sometimes I just want to howl ...

have to try and work ... not sure if that is help or a hassle ... probably a help, gives me a reason to just limit myself some and say, just feel it for now and then let it go and go do this thing ... great way of getting past my bullshit disinterest with work ... I say bullshit because, dammit, I'm here, I'm getting paid, fucking might as well put my all in ... what am I waiting for? that job I want that can't exist because I don't want anything?

dumb things:

caught up on not wanting to be a shallow person who knows a little about lots of things and also on not wanting to be a person that knows so much about one thing that that is all they know and be and talk about ... don't want to be unimpressive or boring ... but managed to have these hang ups that contradict each other

also I want to do things right, not right and wrong kind of right although that matters to me too, but correctly, the way things need to be done ... most of life there is no correct way it seems and you don't get to go back and retry and retry til you get the right way ... you just do what you do and then its done

using things I don't give a shit about to stop the feelings ... I guess at least I'm trying make them things that some people think might actually matter ... things that will help me be a person that would be worthy of respect, interest and love ... a person ready and able to take his place should something amazing and wonderful come to be ... its good too ... I hate it ... giving up things of myself ...but they are mostly lazy selfish silly parts ...looking at myself honestly I think, I'm not perfect and I'm impossible in my desires and needs at the core it seems, but even if I can't be perfect I can be honest and look at my issues loveless areas and say "I can't justify that ... I have to try to be better" because its not about being a different person, its a better me ... I'm never anything but me, can't do it ... but I can try to cut some of the shit while I'm so painfully aware of it all and make this pain at least fucking worth it in some way ... actually it is worth it anyway ... but this way I'm a... less petty and short sighted person, I hope, and I also hope that makes me a better person

who gives a fuck though, its one time though in any case so who that other person would be is no longer an option

now I'm both, I guess really

also a plus, house is more organized as is work, despite my deep underlying emptiness here it seems (that might just be everywhere though) and frustration, I think there is progress, just it feels slow and also often worthless ... a more real plus is that I am looking at things I want to do and trying to think how to get there ... in my own way at least, I'm still very aware of throwing the baby out with the bathwater reactions so I'm sure I could be much more clear and focussed and driven (very much a dirty word that one in what I associate with it) but I'm moving, I'm going and fuck you, you aren't stopping me or hurrying me ... might slow me down, but that's mostly just to give you a disappointed look that says "why push me? think about what you are doing? also fuck you I'll not be pushed" ... its so hard to find the line between stopping because I've been pushed to something and just going on and doing what I want to do, even if that was what I was being pushed toward ... hate to think pushy people ever feel like that make me do something, even if I was wanting to do it ...

anyways - things I'd like to do:

visit my friend
get my parents on an overseas trip I think they'd love
finish clearing the garage and rest of the house (only one room to go now really)
make baby furniture with some friends (don't worry they have skills!)
clear our my work to the point it feels I've nothing left except thinking and planning to organize things, and be in a mood/place to actually just do that then and not just drift
figure out how to do my job and keep new guy busy and receptionist and keep all three (and my boss too) doing things that make sense for the person and the skills and the job themselves and how they work together
figure out how to give a fuck about all that other than the satisfaction of creating a good system that works well for the users (big problem is that I'm one of the users and I seem to only want to do systems, not actual work, or stuff that is able to be perfected and is interesting)
love my wife, I think I'm shit at a lot of it, maybe better said "I feel" I'm shit at a lot of it, because it's just not coming out of feelings at all unless you mean all the petty shite that I seem to have accumulated through irritation and frustration and whatever else ... also the fact that in so many ways she has probably never been happier with me as a husband and I feel like she's never seen the best of me yet is satisfied ... so why try even harder? she's happy even if she probably wants more of some stuff and doesn't understand the edges I have ... I guess mostly, simply, it is stop being irritated/lazy/whatever the fuck it is and just do the things she would like for me to do ... not making myself a lovlier person by being difficult and I do want to be that ... figure out how to give more of myself in love, no matter what I get ... could say that at the end of the day at least I'll be able to feel happier with myself, and that is the person I never get to go to another to have space from, also probably no real fair reason why I shouldn't do things she would like ... mostly just comes down to personal philosophies and how hard it is for me to deal with something if the other person doesn't understand it/me in relation to it.
maybe ath-m50x headphones, bunch of musics from weezer, something for kate, arctic monkeys, maybe cold war kids (I think that's the band) ...

A CHAIR FOR MY STUDY! LIKE THE SHERLOCK HOLMES ONE I WANTED WAY BACK, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT THE FITS TO THE SPACE AND THE ROOM AND HOW I WOULD USE IT.

YES THAT IS THING THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO BE SEEN (IN THIS DIARY AT LEAST)

Get into the outside of the house, help out, get involved and also get a little more active ... try to actually care about it also, aside from general appreciation of order and beauty, chaos is also usually fine to be honest but that's not really something that requires much work
Sort out parents garage with/for/around them, also conversations about a new house for them
maybe sing more, I miss singing since I'm not at church that often right now and I don't walk home any more so no 15 minute walk along a busy road without any houses singing, although to be fair that is from a time long past, probably past a decade ago and there a plenty of houses now on the other side of that road now
maybe learn guitar? always more interested in drums but can't really sing to drums I guess ... also drums are more a part of a group making music, guitar can do it alone. neighbour has drum kit, maybe learn then play over there? ... not even vaguely likely at this point, but if I learn guitar its possible which is a different world ... also there are games that teach playing guitar that are apparently pretty good and guitars can screech out a good music version of a howl, that probably helps too
need to get healthier, was going to say fitter but that sounds buffer and stronger, I firstly need to get any semblance of physical health, probably should eat much better and such
not sure if need to think more or less about money, seems like I think about it a lot but there is not much to be done and the reality of debt, work, baby means not likely to be much other than staying on track for quite some time, in part that is why I am engaged by work more, I recognise that if I want something more than what already is and the staying on track I have to make it happen and be skilled and able and organized and aware enough to work toward it ... if I want be free of it faster I have to make it happen
Probably need to stop daydreaming about having millions of dollars and what I would do with it, mostly just ends up with giving it away to everyone I love and, I think, hoping in a way that makes everything ok for them from now on ... doesn't work much because I don't buy lottery tickets, I find it hard really believe it would happen and there are people I'd love to give money to that I think wouldn't accept and that kinda ruins the point of the fantasy
Probably have to get past the fact that if I was still living alone at my place I'd probably have no debt at all and own my own home ... who knows who I would be at that point though, very unmotivated, more than a little odd/crazy and presumably would still be single and pushing toward 40 ... can't say I recommend debt as a motivator although it takes something pretty major to motivate me to a great depth, people mostly I think ... its frustrating to work with money but not care but also not stop thinking about money outside of work
probably other things I want but I'm a bit lost now ... stopped the howling for a bit, at least calmed it down ... pity I can't escape the reality that I really don't care about almost all of what I've been doing and the little bits and pieces I want are often shallow and meaningless ... perhaps I'm being harsh, but I want what I want and don't want what I don't want ... so its at least true to some degree, in so far as I know myself and are able to express myself ... doesn't change anything, just need to make the best of who I am, where I stand and keep working to figure where I want to be and how to get there ... and what to do with all the time I'm not there/it goes wrong

*shrug* and a *growl*

guess that's what you get when you are between selfs ... different responses to the same situation ... well, probably that is just what you get for being a self

12:55 p.m. - Thursday, Sept. 11, 2014

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