stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wants of others I enter my office and look at my desk and I hate everything ... I say this in the hope that it will take that from my mind, from acknowledgement, that I may move past it today and simply do my job ... not avoid, not run, not put it off ... I need to this with many things in my life, not because of the time I am going through right now but simply because I have always chosen to wait something out if I wasn't sure ... not all of life works like that and I find myself lacking in many areas because I simply did not apply the an honoured saying of my favourite football team "don't think, do" ... the reality is of course that in playing a game this is a competitive advantage, split seconds lost to thought can be all it takes to be lost, life is not so ... but with many things I have let them wander past and done nothing even when they seemed vital ... the moment of clarity passed and then it didn't seem so clear ... I need to give up some things in my life to take responsibility and be active about it ... and I hate it ... I'm a helper, not a doer "just because" ... although what is true is that what shames me most is that I know there are things I can do that would be helpful or even needed and yet I do them not ... things that are me being of good character and committing myself and I do them not ... in part fear of failure or embarrassment (which matters in some things but most not at all) and simple ...selfishness? I don't know ... imagination, because I can think my way around many things quite well and to equal or better result, but some things I cannot and the relative rareness of them renders me shocked I think and even more unable to deal ... I need to get better, be better ... but I don't care ... if it were just for me though, I don't care, my life would be different ... simpler, easier and I would be alone and more than a little crazy I'm sure, but I would be able to pick and choose what to do I want to use the coming changes in my life to motivate me to prepare and embrace these things I've not "had to" (by my definition" deal with ... a baby does not care about that ... my career does not care about that ... my finances do not care about that ... I can choose to say today that I shall make some changes while I still have time to change before I am overwhelmed with life changes ... and yet I do care ... this all is in my mind and perhaps my emotions, upsetting my stomach ... I don't know what it is I want to do though, to wait, to be at rest and ready for opportunity to help ... and yet I look around me and see things I can do but somehow they do not fulfil my need ... all these things are the wants of others ... which doesn't bother me really, I like to help but ... if I have to dig deep I don't know why I do anything ... I would want some time to myself to think and settle myself, but right now I don't know if I would use that right and I feel the pressure of things I do feel I need to do ... I just leave them there to pressure me and do nothing though ... there is time, but I do not I say this not to complain ... I think again to get it out and free myself for the day ... I do not want the house I have, I want something small, manageable and fun (whatever that means) ... I do not want the debt I have I think in part because I don't want what it got me but also because it is unignorable now, I prefer a level that is ignorable should a fun or necessary thing come along, we can get along now and honestly we are able to ignore it but it doesn't feel as safe to do so as I would like ... I want it to be a nothing in the background, that we can work to remove if it becomes of particular interest to us, or just casually manage and live pretty much ignoring it ... job ... I don't want a job, I have no desire ... if I had a job I would like to freely help people and not worry about money or need to give anything but myself ... I am getting lazier in this job, or have been until recently when I've apparently been trying to kill myself by changing everything but only slowly working out the masterplan in my own heart and mind ... all while I hardly care and mostly care about the systems design and not the work ... I need to change and be able to finish things off rather than lose interest when it is all but done, push through, but also learn new things, put my heart into being here ... what am I holding myself back from? only from being unavailable if needed by someone I love ... that is in the end the most important thing, to be available to those who love me, whom I love or who have a call on me ... what job is that? maybe I can make this job like that in a way, but I need to learn and know more and give more of myself to do that ... not just fight every day to do what has to be done ... Romans 12:8 If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging ... its only the start of that verse but I wonder, is that me? Do I encourage, I feel like I waver from vile depths of negativity to heights of encouragement and from freely given to needs based giving, my needs that is ... my stomach is upset a lot recently, not sure if poor diet or emotional upset or ... pants too tight/poor posture? ... I'd like to change my diet, go back to old single days and just do what seems right at the time but those days are gone, its not like that now, maybe I could get away with that ... maybe, but it would feel so selfish and unkind ... just me doing whatever I want from day to day, I want to give more consistency in that to those around me and there is nothing I consistently want so ... whatever they want ... I have the mental or emotional ability to deal with all that in ways I would feel ok about ... I'd just end up being selfish, feeling crap and giving up ... unless I do a lot more work throughout and it just seems like everything I want to have change means I have to work so hard mentally and emotionally to think about and deal with ... and I don't know if that is just laziness or a genuine issue ... and neither option there makes me feel good I like to give things to others ... I'm pleased with a couple of birthday cards recently ... that makes me happy ... which is nice ... done a few things I've felt happy about too ... feels like its all little things I care about generally which is alternately good because should be easy to just enjoy such things but sad because they are so small ... do they really matter ... trying to find the path where I do these things ... I hope so much that getting all whatever this is out right now allows me to stop thinking and do ... guess Don't think, Do can apply in my life ... I have plenty to do in front of me, just get in there and do it, do it well, do it today, take responsibility and be satisfied and happy for doing so ... enjoy the relief of thing removed from list, enjoy progress ... and make some big longer term commitments too ... I hope I can do it, I hope I can in those things stop thinking and do ... I know they are good, why can't I do them? ... I don't know whether to feel like "I am going to be the worst father, I can't even get myself to do things I know I should" or "If I can do this I can learn a lot that will help me be a good father" ... pessimist or optimist, or realist? circles, just circles ... good thing I'm patient with even myself (to a fault) ... some things can't wait on that, God please help me do what I need to ......... 8:55 a.m. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2014 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||