stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do Today List Today my To Do List needs to become by Do Today List ... quick decisions on what makes the list and then head down and do, no more thinking, no more second guessing This weekend needs to be the same except for driving and gardening and whatever else needs to be done, especially if for someone who perhaps shouldn't be straining themselves ... this also includes for longer term things, positioning myself to be able to do things for people who will need me to be able This is going to be a shock to my system, I like to stay open to change and always be ready just in case someone needs my time and attention but in order to commit to these things which I am struggling to manage in a few different ways I need to commit to them and just do them ... This is not a new me, this is me adding a new option to me ... not sure if I'm telling you or telling myself I need to stop the fears, founded or unfounded, stop the ... well probably mostly it is all fears one way or the other, doing it wrong, causing and accident, looking dumb, causing problems for clients ... not being there for someone he needs me there physically, mentally or emotionally. I need to want things, allow myself to want things and not want things and act accordingly ... learn to be just me again, or for the first time even ... make time for me ... but at the same time the point is not to just be about me, but to be able to know me and what I need so I can relate more clearly to others and be able to help them ... but kinda need to forget that is some ways ... although the entire point of the start of this was to do things for others really, so good job on the ME things ... I need to be ok wanting for myself need to want some damn things I can have too! weird experiences recently: craved food as an answer to how I was feeling - only once and rejected it, but it was weird to genuinely feel like I needed something and food was the answer quite often feel, almost depressed after eating ... like really, really sad ... as though just to be able to support how I feel emotionally takes my physical energies as well so that when I eat and my physical body needs those energies to process the food I'm left overwhelmed and unable to cope ... really weird, I don't think its that I'm looking to food as an answer and being disappointed ... more believable that its just "food again? How meaningless and dull, and yet I must ..." which is overwhelmingly sad ... who knows happened in the car this morning a sense of almost pushing toward a thing, an object as a means of ... I'm not sure if feeling better is the right way to describe it, more success, no, progress ... progress if I have a new tv, progress is good ... so that would feel nice ... at least I'm not just wasting my time doing nothing or waiting for something (I don't know what) but I've always rejected the idea of doing things just so I'm not not doing something ... so its not quite got a foothold on me I don't think, even though its been popping up a little and I think I should expect it to since I've basically been trying desperately to find "worthy" things to do things that I probably should be doing and/or do have some genuine long term value to make up for basically feeling like I have nothing that matters in the slightest in my life ... so looking to set up goals/objectives of "worthwhile" things to do ... almost things that only have value to me (emotionally at this point) in the sense that I can intellectually say that will be good for me or someone, effectively just progress goals with no more meaning than buying a tv, except I guess the currency is my energy, attention and effort, which I guess is different ... better and worse, better because its not just using money to make something better/different/less worse but worse because I value my energy, attention and effort more than money ... money is what I get from work for those things, money can't make someone stop crying because no one loves them ... so I can't feel comfortable just using them up ... I guess if you are homeless money could kinda do that, but actually eye contact and speaking to them also ...
searching out for me ... agitating myself, so good job on burning through the peace of expressing thoughts in a minute there guy 8:43 a.m. - Wednesday, Oct. 01, 2014 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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