stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *sigh* for real why do I bother none of this matters ... don't think ever has, just right now its unavoidably clear, got to be something better than this soon, wish I worked in a job where I was busy all the time and had no flexibility rather than having to run myself, I'd probably hate it and possibly be shit but I could switch off and still achieve things, probably think they were meaningless though life is short, but I'm not just going to run off blindly just to not be in this moment ... there is nothing out there for me, may as well just try to make the best of what is the cycle from nothing mattering to peace seems very quick right now, which sounds good if you think its only a while of hopelessness, but its also only a moment of peace or a repeated punch in the gut ... and still I've no defense, no answers to the question daydream of working with wood, because that is just wood and you can make beautiful things but I have no skills and its no way to make money and we need money ... really wish someone would buy this business for a ridiculous amount and I'd get paid out and then somehow magically everything is fine can't do jokes, just feels hollow can't do sex, just isn't exactly what I want want talk, can't do talk I'm fucked up can do little things, little meaningless worthless things could cry, why bother though, doesn't change anything and I know it guess I can spew bile all over the internet for a moment of peace and then back again ... wish all my work was done, wish I cared about any of it, wish I cared about anything, except I don't ... I just want to care about things I care about kinda wish I had a hobby, but I don't and if tried to get one I couldn't do it, I just don't care ... if I had one it would be worthless now anyway just spewing all this shit out ... why and for what? because then its ok? Maybe, seems to replenish pretty quickly ... haven't the strength to fight spewing it out and it just makes me feel bad, well also makes me feel bad, there is some relief was thinking of a list of all the exes I've failed and friends - ex - different beliefs and I was terrible at staying on my side completely and being strong, got sick of me ex - wasn't working, just wasn't working ... still wouldn't be can't help but wonder sometimes ... I'm the problem though friend - moved away and lost contact, tried to cry as it seems I should, can't recall if I achieved success, many years later contact then loss again and more recently again minor contact and I've done nothing ... got nothing to say I don't think, nothing to speak excitedly about and be proud of, nothing to just talk about unless just happened to end up with similar interests ... no idea, don't want to say no interest but, I haven't the heart to make small talk friend - was nice guy, basically got left behind when I got a different friend, possibly a cooler friend I don't know if that was the thought ... sad thought friend - lost contact over time, feel like I insulted him one time about something, recently been back in contact and I've been shit about actually catching up or initiating contact, may or may not be an issue for him I'm possibly oversensitive friend - once told me she didn't want to go home when we were out at a park when said I was going ... basically put her on a train and watched her go home ... still don't know why friends - current, don't feel very active in being a friend nor especially ...anything, just occasional contact, feel like they deserve better, no idea what that would be other than not being myself ... not great at that seems like there are others but other than my best friend, I don't even know if/why they are around ...she's only around because she can't help but be my friend ... I don't mean that unkindly, perhaps should have said I can't think of any reason why she would still be around other than that, part of her for better or worse, right now is for worse ... did do a communion thing that went pretty well and had some laughs over past weeks ... sometimes I feel like I'm crazy then I chat with people that have some similar traits and all of a sudden fun happens, family too, I was funny! or at least people laughed and seemed to have fun and I laughed too ... hate being so difficult to understand or whatever it is that is going on, can't seem to explain anything to anyone at work or home, I just make no sense and that is hard on me ... like to be understood and enjoyed and not feel crazy or broken or whatever, sick of feeling like a fucking grumpy ass... but don't know that my mood will change much in any of the situations, just make it easier for me to manage and less obvious I'm losing my shit ... surrounded by stuff I just don't get ... 1:38 p.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 07, 2014 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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