stuberosum's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- illusions illusions aren't the best, sometimes they are all you've got ... but they're never the best not for me anyway, I prefer reality and sometimes reality is much better than you recalled from when you last dropped by because in the end I'm the one that maintains my own illusions and I'm not as kind to myself as other people seem to be and ... reality is more fun, I like things that aren't me, aren't mine to control ... illusions are just ... masturbation sometimes literally! you'd think that this would mean I would always live in reality but no because, like most wisdom, the above is retrospective ... despite being self evident throughout also with masturbation I can be a caring and passionate lover while also getting to be an appreciative recipient of that love ...also if I accidentally cum in my lovers face I can truly know whether or not "it was totally fine, no really" ok, I might just be getting a little off track here its nice to be surprised by care but horrible to realise just how much fear and negativity I had pumped into my own mind if "surprised" was a word I would use ... intellectually if I thought about it I would say I wouldn't have been surprised, but clearly intellectually doesn't cover all of me angry at myself to have gotten so lost, but don't want to be angry in case that stops me from learning from my mistake ... but also, I'm now wary of not allowing myself to be angry, because the dishonesty of not allowing myself to be angry feels like a key part of how I got so lost ... got to be me, even if me is angry or unkind or selfish ... and then I have to figure how to work past those things ... hmm ... this is a very loose philosophy right now ... but it feels important still even if I can't say its safe or perfect or ready for show time, I just need to try to keep working as its in use I guess the thing is that keeping touch with reality is pretty important, which is duuuuh, but somehow I've managed to dance around that for the longest time whatever else I hope this softens my heart some to people who do incomprehensibly dumb thing without apparently realising, because I'm being reminded that I'm one of them ... 4:19 p.m. - Thursday, May. 28, 2015 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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